Finding solid ground

Yesterday I rambled on and on about my conflicting feelings over my first mother’s day. Embracing this new role has come easy in some ways and has thrown me for a loop in others. It’s a work in progress.

But after much discussing, reflecting, praying and reading I’m finding some clarity…

Being a mother, after being a wife, was my hearts desire since I was a little girl. I never had those vast sweeping notions of being a doctor or lawyer or even have a career beyond the home. The only professions that came close as a little girl and then as an adult were a missionary or a teacher, both obviously very key pieces to mothering. When we got married, being a wife just seemed to fit. I love to serve Alex and keep our home. And as we awaited our next steps, I found joy in mothering other children.

But as we waited, I found my heart grappling with things I would hear throughout Christian circles and even within our own church (although rarely). The common phrase that motherhood “is a woman’s highest calling” and women are “saved through childbirth” began to weigh on my heart. And as we waited I worked though these…falling back on the fact that the Lord created us for His glory and our highest true calling is following after him. How could God withhold this “highest calling” from my life? Now I don’t believe these to be fully accurate.

And now that I’m on this side, I have tasted and seen what an incredible gift it is to be a mother. It’s a sanctifying, self-sacrificing, building up, molding, and discipling kind of work. And I love most every moment. My heart is full for the task the Lord has set before me and I’m ever grateful that I get to wake up and do what I’ve longed to do each and every day. Seriously. I pinch myself at times.

It’s a noble calling and one worth every ounce of energy. We have the joy of bringing up the next generation, using the wisdom and grace the Lord has given us to pour truth into another heart. It’s a good and wise profession to be a worker at home and to raise children. But I still do not think it is my highest calling. And as far as being saved through childbirth, I like this view from John MacArthur.

So yesterday, I fell into uncertainty as I faced a day I previously struggled through. In the past I focused on honoring mothers, our own and others, but the emptiness of my arms still stung. And now with heart and arms full this Mother’s Day I struggled through the fact that here I was, on the other side, embracing the gift of Elizabeth, the one who made me a mother. Why me?

Here I am, by the grace of the Lord, living a life I could only hope for. So undeserving. And still learning how to embrace this good, noble calling of motherhood when I still know the pain that comes in waiting and knowing so many who were struggling for joy yesterday. Knowing how to care for hurting hearts while holding the thing longed for is a delicate thing. And this expands beyond the walls of infertility.

God was good to give us Elizabeth. These past months have proved, only like few other times in my life, to be sanctifying months. We prayed when we waited for babies, not mainly for the task of parenting, but for the sanctification that parenting brings. And He’s answering that prayer ten-fold, for His glory and our good.

But by the end of the day yesterday, I found joy in accepting and embracing the gift of motherhood. God gave us Elizabeth, in His perfect wisdom, in His perfect timing and in doing so gave me the honor of being her mother. Why, I don’t know but I’m hoping maybe one day I’ll find out?

Sometimes accepting God’s good gifts can be staggeringly difficult.

And I’m learning there’s grace for that.

thoughts on mother’s day

today is my first real mother’s day with a real live baby to cuddle and love. and I’m terrified of the emotions that have come with it.

every day I feel blessed to be elizabeth’s mommy. to hold her and snuggle her and teach her and love her. she’s still and always will be an example of God’s incredible kindness towards us. we don’t even come close to deserving her.

but the emotions that found me leading up to this day frightened me. my first real mother’s day and expectations that I began to put forth in my mind from the world. I remember when we were waiting and expecting having a better mindset on mother’s day. Yes, mother’s do deserve to be celebrated but it’s still just another day. because when you are waiting and hoping and grieving this day seems to be viewed with better clarity.

one year in the waiting I remember the elder or pastor, not our main pastor, asking all the mothers to stand up. to stand up. and to this day I can remember the emotions. tears flowed instantly and out I ran. I can remember thinking “all I want is to be able to stand up.” that was my worst experience with mother’s day to date.

but this year…it began to feel like it needed to be a day all.about.me. How would Alex celebrate me. What pinterest inspired craft would he come up with to show his love (seriously, what was I thinking…what men go on pinterest to make a craft for their wife?). Satan got ahold of me. And last night as I sat with my husband I went full circle with all my emotions.

Yes, I need to hear from him that he’s proud of me and yes, I need to hear that the job I’m doing is worthwhile. But I don’t need to hear that I’m perfect (far from it), that I’m the world’s best mom (I’m not), I don’t need to hear how I’m a saint for doing my job (again, far from it).

funny how a heart can be so fickle. in the waiting I longed for this day and made it less than what it should be and on this side I longed for this day and made it more than it should be.

and I know so many for whom this day is hard. they get to be celebrated but they are unable to celebrate their own mothers. they don’t get to stand up but they have mother’s to celebrate. and some are unable to do either.

why do we do this? I’m still baffled by all the emotions and how the world can make one day so puffed up. what a good reminder to keep my head in the Book. to remember where the best accolades will come from. where to keep hope.

One day I’ll hear the greatest words, “well done” and all the cards and worldly accolades will be rubbish in comparison.

just thinking this all through and trying to find the happy medium.

happy mother’s day…

Fun in the Sun

Somehow when spring ushered in we also gained a toddler. Discontent to crawl anywhere anymore we’re having fun trying to run. Here’s our girl on one of our unusually hot spring days playing at our new water table.

Move over Bob

Yesterday I went on my first run with Elizabeth. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I never thought I would want to push a jogging stroller. I didn’t register for one and later only added one to her wish list so that I could keep it on the radar in case I wanted to eventually think about running with her:)

But then Christmas came around and I forgot to delete the stroller. And my parents, who love to be active, of course jumped on the opportunity to gift our family with the jogging stroller. Not ones to say no, we now found ourselves with another stroller. One that kept taunting me from the closet. So we took it out a few weeks ago and took it for a test drive and then yesterday I got up the courage to run with it.

And it wasn’t so bad. Running with Elizabeth that is. Running while pushing a stroller is not for the faint of heart but instead a workout in and of itself. But I did love the opportunity to get a workout in and be outside with Elizabeth. So I’m coming around to sharing my “get-out-and-breathe-run” time. The nice part was that I could still put my headphones in and she was happy as a clam to just people watch and take in the scenery. Not sure how long that will last but it was nice.

After doing some research, I ended up choosing the Joovy Zoom 360 jogging stroller over a BOB. I knew it would get used often but I did not want it to be our main stroller as a jogger is a bit bulky for errands, etc. And I knew if we were going to buy it ourselves  that we did not want to spend over $250. In our neck of the woods you cannot usually find a used BOB for under $250 so I knew we had to think outside the box. I read a lot of reviews prior and thought the Zoom looked like the perfect alternative to the BOB. (This Instep is also another great inexpensive alternative as well!)

In comparison with the BOB, the Zoom is a bit heavier but it comes with the parent console, rain-shield, and tire pump. It felt heavier when running yesterday but at the same time running with a stroller does up your workout so it’s going to be tougher anyways. I love how upright the seat can be and how roomy all the pockets/under stroller storage are. I’ve never ran with a BOB so I cannot comment on the differences in run but I’m sure they are similar. Runner’s World also just named the Zoom the best budget jogger for 2013.

The seat in really wide, it can hold kiddos up to 70 pounds, and has a long seatback. The canopy has two stages which I really like so you can customize how much coverage you need. The seat recline is done by a strap, so you just let out the strap to recline and cinch it up to get upright. I’m sure this will come in handy if Elizabeth ever falls asleep.The fabric is super easy to clean and very durable. The handlebar is not adjustable but I’m only 5’3” and I had no problem pushing it.

The fold is amazing…I wish our regular stroller folded like this and it is very compact once it is folded making it really easy to transport. Overall I think the stroller is a great bargain for runners/joggers. While some may say the BOB is better (I don’t know this to be true), you are getting a great product for a fraction of the cost.

Here are some pics

Elizabeth snug as can be

From the front (illustrating the side pockets)

Handlebar console (2 drink spots and a zipper pouch for keys/phone/etc)

Huge storage basket underneath that is fully accessible

To fold you just undo the red clip on the left and pull on the wire

Compact fold

I’m hoping the ability to take Elizabeth with me will help me get out to run more often…so if anyone is interesting in joining us, let me know!

(ps…I’m not fast without the stroller and I’m definitely not fast with it)

You have not forgotten

This past Sunday we sang a song that has now become an absolute favorite. I’m not sure I have ever sang such a theologically sound song and my heart ached as we sang. Had we been in the waiting, walking through the unknown, I am certain tears would have flowed unceasingly on Sunday.

Simple truths about who God is and how RICHLY He cares for us…

Even in the valley He is faithful, even what the enemy means for evil He turns for our good, He’s working in the waiting, He’s teaching us to trust, He has not forgotten us.

Sovereign Over Us by Aaron Keyes

There is strength within the sorrow,
There is beauty in our tears
You meet us in our mourning,
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting,
Sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding,
You're teaching us to trust

CHORUS
Your plans are still to prosper,
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
Faithful forever,
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
You are wisdom unimagined,
Who could understand your ways

Reigning high above the heavens,
Reaching down in endless grace
You’re the Lifter of the lowly,
Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me,
Your promises are my delight

Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good,
You turn it for our good and for your glory

Even in the valley You are faithful
You're working for our good,
You’re working for our good and for your glory

Desperate: A review

I’m not sure how I can sum this book up and do it justice. It has been a source of refuge and encouragement for my new mama heart. I was in the throes of discouragement when I picked this book to review and I remember distinctly all the tears that flowed as I read and read and read.

This book, Desperate, by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson, proved to me that I wasn’t alone. It seems like so many mamas, myself included, when things are good seem to forget the hard days. I remember when Elizabeth was really little thinking, “Why didn’t anyone tell me it was going to be this hard?” And looking back, no one told me because you forget and because it’s different for everyone.

But this book was a comforting companion to me. It unfolds the story of Sarah Mae, a mama in the trenches of motherhood and her mentor Sally, an older woman who’s been through the trenches and lived to tell of it. I found the questions Sarah Mae posed to Sally to be questions I myself have thought before and the answers from Sally to be incredibly refreshing and solid truth. Reading through the book there were many tears, many bookmarks, and many moments when my mind finally wrapped itself around a tangible way of doing things. This is not a how-to book but instead a book that points to One who can lead you in your own path of motherhood.

At the end of every chapter there are personal questions and action points. These are incredibly thought provoking and really helpful in figuring out where you are at and ways you can move forward or work on things. I found I needed to go back a time or two to reread the questions because I didn’t always have the time to work through them but each time I did, there was fruit. I also loved how they stress the importance of getting to know each child individually, offering grace, and finding some time away for you to refresh as a mother.

With so many parenting and how-to books out there and so.much.chatter and information available online, motherhood has the tendency to become overwhelming. I really enjoyed the purposed moments throughout the book to remember we are all going to parent uniquely the way the Lord has created us to and the way we figure that out is by asking him.

Seriously. Easy as that. And you know what, I needed to hear something as easy as that. My husband says that to me all the time. The only book we need to be in is the Word of God and He’ll be faithful to lead us in the way we should go. (in all of life but also in our parenting) Simple.

After reading this book, I’ve begun praying for the Lord to teach me to mother and show me what motherhood will look like for me. And you know what? He’s answering. And I’m finding myself filled with joy, walking a road of motherhood I never thought would be the road I would go down.

Writing a review of this book does nothing to tell of the riches that can be found by reading it. This book is an excellent read for everyone on the road of motherhood. It is encouraging, uplifting, thought provoking, and filled with wisdom. It would be a perfect gift for mother’s day!

 

{I was given an e-copy of this book in return for a review through Book sneeze, a blogger review program through Thomas Nelson Publishers.}

Foodie Friday: Homemade Pretzels

If you know my husband you know he has three favorite snack foods: baby carrots, pretzels, and candy. If we are ever out of the those three things, life at our house gets a little more stressful. One weekend our pretzel bag was empty and our soft pretzel stash was gone and I was not going to go to the store one.more.time. Seriously, anyone else feel that way? Inevitably every time I go, somehow I forget one important thing!

So one Saturday I pulled out my trusty recipe for soft pretzels and made a batch. They are so good. I even froze some so that we can enjoy them as the weeks go on in case, somehow, I forget to restock the snack drawer.

I’ve been making pretzels since we first got married, over 6 years ago, and pretzel dough is by far the easiest yeast dough I’ve worked with. These are near impossible to screw up and always taste great.

The recipe for these pretzels can be found here:

Homemade Pretzels

Some other options I’ve made in the past include these:

Ham and Cheese Filled Pretzel Bites & regular Pretzel Bites

Pretzel Rolls